The Party

Koiwai.full.858971It hurts so much to see him. The pain was so sharp that for a moment I thought I would succumb to the music and collapse; but, I danced on.

I know from the men’s reactions that I was the centrepiece of the night in my 浴衣(yukata), but his eyes avoided me like I’m a deadly sin.

I danced my heart out. I flaunted for all to see. I had the men’s eyes on me – everyone except his because he purposely averted his gaze.

He told me that he felt like he manipulated me and led me on. He admitted to avoiding me because he doesn’t know what to do about me. He says it’s his problem and he needs to figure out himself where he stands with me. He’s still so confused. He has power over my emotions, but doesn’t know it; I have power over his mind, and know it, but I can’t use it to my advantage. I can’t and don’t want to manipulate.

How can you manipulate me when before me you regress to a little boy? How can you lead me on when before me your mind goes into chaos? How can you use me when you lose control with me?

His words are awful. They contradict his behavior. Action speaks louder than words. His feelings for me are still there, but he’s running and hiding.

My beloved familiar stranger is killing me cruelly with his words; I’m seducing him dangerously with my beauty

I just started crying again.

弱い自分だけには負けたくない! (I refuse to lose to my weak self!)