Sometimes the men I apparently-dated-but-didn’t-know-that-I-did would show up on my FB page as one of the recommended people I may know. I never quite knew why FB would bother to do so, but it has happened frequently enough for me to notice. Since I usually delete the contact information of these men, the only factor by which I could fathom that allowed FB to make the connection is that they still, against all odds, kept my contact and have their contacts linked to the system.
Just now, the AFX artist showed up. Funny, as I was asked about him just last night and this was the first time since our last talk that I have thought about him. A model was asking me about my relationship history. The guy went all out on his for merely my own entertainment, so I owned him one. However, as I’m not one to divulge romantic details of my life, he compromised for a “funny little story” about one of the guys whom I accidentally dated. He was very curious and asked if I were really available, would I have dated the AFX artist. I casually gave one reason as that the poor, sweet boy was so many years my junior (if calculating using my legal age), but have to confess that it was not the main reason. To be honest, the AFX artist looked older than me even without his lumbersexual look, and since I don’t know how old I really am anyway the age thing was not that big of a factor. I did acknowledge several great qualities about the AFX artist and commented how my friend thought he was “hot”. This really piqued the model’s interest. “If he’s so great, why were you not attracted to him at all?” he pressed. I smiled and discreetly steered the conversation in a different direction as I don’t want to lie but do need to reserve the real reason…
I cannot risk my own profile popping up before AFX artist’s view so took action to delete the info. I proceed to click on his profile, and what sprung up was his recent news. Just as he told me, his grandfather passed away. I did not read his message in detail, but I am sure it is an encouraging one. I hope he is alright. Even though I cannot reach out, I know he has been affected by enough losses this year already and do not wish upon him another – which I made it my parting gift for him (he did not know it, but I orchestrated a scene to help him move on and made him think it was of his own volition). Then, I inadvertently saw a few more of his recent posts and had a visceral reaction of the most unpleasant kind. Unfortunately, it once again confirmed why I could not ever be romantically attracted to this guy, however sweet and gentle he was (in his “on” mode and not the “introverted” withdrawer he later revealed himself to be). To the unsuspecting eye, they were nothing out of the ordinary, but to me they served as a reminder of a deal breaker of mine. I shuddered at this “trait” about him, but also felt relieved that it was the right decision to obliterate any attraction he may have for me, even at the price I had to pay to do so.
Like I told the model, AFX artist was a great guy, but even if I was looking to date I still would not have considered him as a solid option. At best, he would have been a short-lived boyfriend; I would have liked him more as a friend. He had several qualities that made him a great boyfriend material (in his “on mode”), but to me he is at best a friend because of this deal breaker.
Upon first meeting I sensed it, I knew. I’m an inept kid when it comes to men, but if there is one thing I can brag about knowing them is that within three seconds of meeting I could tell – and I have yet to be wrong about this. I am confident with grounds, so I don’t even need to confirm it with a question. In fact, I usually go straight in for the kill. Think of it like having a sixth sense for knowing the person’s profession even without asking. I could just tell so I don’t bother asking you about what you do for a living anymore. Instead, I ask for details directly. If you’re a lawyer, I’ll ask you to tell me about which case you last handled instead of beating around the bush or confirm by asking whether you really are practicing law. In the case of the AFX artist, upon the second meeting I gave a simple prompt and he blurted it all out. I felt sick right there, which made me held onto his banana doll even more when I talked to him. That was one of the reasons why I held onto the doll so tightly every time I talk to him. He is aware of it, but is completely oblivious to (or in denial of) the real reason why. Like some purported “nice” guys, he tried to justify it with a sensible reason, but the latent indicators showed in all of his behaviours. I’d rather him to be like the professional artist and own it instead of rationalizing it. I’d rather him be honest and tell me that he only approached me because I “have a great rack” than him trying to make himself seem like the impartial guy he thinks he is by saying that he first noticed me for my wit and intellect. Heck, I’d even rather him telling me that he is a psychopath and feel no remorse hurting others because at least he would have been honest about it. However, because of this way that he is, I think my discomfort would override any attraction I may feel for him even if he is the world’s most eligible bachelor.
That said, beside this unredeemable trait, I feel AFX is a good guy – or at least he tries to be one. Yes, all of the sweetness and nicety were just a ruse to impress me. As soon he knew he was not dating me, his attitude transformed immediately despite his claiming it not so and insisting that he could be my friend. He was not mean, but he changed and showed me a side contradictory to the great front he put up and told me that this was his real personality. No, I did not appreciate such startling contrast in attitude, but I also cannot discount the fact that based on my other impressions, I have an inkling that he is actually a nice guy to people generally. Most people are naturally nice, and I like to believe in the good in people. I am fully aware that if he were to meet me in any context not romantic we would have become real friends and not “friends only in title”, and I would come to experience all the great qualities he has to offer. I would have been willing to accept this “other” side of his as well. As a friend, I could accept any fault he has; however, as a romantic partner, no, I could never overcome the visceral reaction about this penchant of his. It really is a deal breaker for me… >.<
Anyway, I hope FB would not recommend him to me anymore nor I to him. I also sincerely hope he found a new girl to chase and wish him all the best. The poor kid has had so many deaths this year…